I’m An Addict, Right?

I have a history of childhood obesity + anorexia and bulimia. Now I’m a morbidly obese adult that is always trying to lose weight.

I was talking to my cousin tonight who is getting married soon. He’s getting married literally across the globe because it’s where his wife is from, so they’re doing it there. My cousin is incredibly wealthy. Works in tech. Is very young and already making multi six figures. He’s fit. Healthy. Has a gorgeous bride. Gonna buy a home soon and isn’t even thirty yet. He’s seemingly got it made.

I can’t go to his wedding because of money and covid. And I’m super obese. 311 as of Friday morning, down three from my start of 314 about two months ago. Not much progress. Not super dedicated yet, but trying to at least have more good days than bad.

So my cousin tells me that one of his very good friends who was supposed to go with him for the wedding relapsed. He’s an addict. Was clean for a few years. Then he relapses about a week ago. And I actually was worried about this. I’m not even friends with his friend. Just know him and like him as his friend and kind of think he’s hot, but I’m five years older so no lol. Also I doubt he’d be into me because I’m SMO. I’m not into me.

Anyways. My cousin was really upset. Can’t get why he’d relapse so close to a soon to be great trip and time. And I sat there explaining to him that he probably feels very envious of him and inadequate next to him. He’s behind in life from addiction issues and my cousin’s life looks literally perfect. I know that doesn’t mean it is. But his life looks really great. So I can imagine it triggers him, because sometimes it triggers me. I’m also behind in life because I got chronically ill. And I always feel behind because I’ve let myself be held back by my weight most of my life. And he shared some texts with the guys mom with me and pretty much everything I said was on the nose.

I know I have addiction issues. I use food. To make myself feel better or hurt myself. I was saying all of these things about him and it pretty much was me saying shit about myself. And now I just feel like, I’m an addict, right? And whenever I go over calories and overindulge, I’m pretty much relapsing. Every time I don’t move in the direction to get to a healthy weight. And idk. Should I maybe be in overeaters anonymous? I know I need an eating disorder specialist therapist. But maybe I need more?

I was going on and on about how this kid needs to be in therapy in NA every week. Needs to control triggers. Needs to be focusing on getting himself healthy so he can make good decisions in life that won’t continue pushing him backwards. But I can say those same exact things about me regarding food. Which is harder to avoid than, say, heroin.

It just makes me feel stupid that I am so aware and even self aware, yet make bad decisions even still. That is addict behavior. And maybe I need more help than I realize.