In despair

I’ve had issues with my weight and being overweight for as long as I can remember. and I’ve always been very self-conscious. I was put on diets when I was a kid and I would try diet growing up, but it seems that every time I would plan on making “lifestyle changes” or “dieting,” I would gain so much weight. It felt like I was rebelling against myself. I would eat almost in spite of myself, and somehow, in spite of others.

I lost about 60lbs in an 8 month period a few years ago. It was the first time I could try on someone else’s clothes without worrying about how ridiculously tight they’d look. The trigger: being put on topiramate at the same time as a bad breakup. My maintenance program: restricting, calorie deficits, validation.

I gained about 35 of it back in a year before gaining it all again and some after having a baby. I wouldn’t have lost the baby weight if it weren’t for a surgery I underwent that gave me no choice but to eat liquid/soft foods.

I’m back to being the heaviest I’ve ever been. My knees hurt and my breathing is heavy when I move. I can’t fit in anything. Im too tired dance with my daughter or play with her. I don’t go out because I don’t want to be seen. I tried to “diet” after gaining 30 lbs this past year, but that backfired. Idk how to lose weight. I lost weight the first time quickly. I feel like my metabolism is too slow to eat more than once a day and lose weight. I always say I don’t even eat that much, but in truth, I eat at night and I eat junk. I wake up from my sleep and eat. I’m just getting heavier and I’ve convinced myself I can’t lose weight because I’m not starving myself. I always say I wanna go for a run, but I haven’t ever gone because I’m convinced people will stare at how pathetic I am. I’m tired of feeling this way, being this way. Someone help. I don’t want to feel embarrassed walking down a street anymore.