During the fall, I was finally able to study at my campus since the year prior had to be online, and I never realized how much my weight had affected my confidence. I was so familiarized with everyone at my high school and had decided that I probably didn't want to get into a relationship with any of them (I went to a small charter school of only 400 ppl, so I was basically acquaintances with everyone after the first year) that I had never really cared for my weight. I never really wanted to impress anyone for a lack of better words, so I really never cared about my appearances.
At college, there are so many new people and a lot of really attractive people that now I am so self conscious about it. I am obese and now that I start to look at myself more in the mirror, the more I do feel disgusted/ hate it. I am now starting to self reflect on it. In the past some of the people that I had an interest in had never viewed me more as a friend, and I had chalked it up to they just don't view/ like me that way. However, I also failed to realize how big of a factor my physical appearance. Whenever I see someone wearing really nice outfits, I than realized I would never be able to fit into that clothing/ never be able to pull it off. Out of all of these things, I think the biggest thing is my confidence. I realize that it is hard to approach people when you're fat. I know many people don't care about looks, however, I think that the first impression is the most important thing that people take note when you approach them. Especially since college is just essentially a speed dating for friends/ a hookup culture, there is going to be a lack of interest when I do approach someone. And I have experienced that a few times. Sure if you're funny and able to keep the convo flowing than maybe looks won't matter, but hey just happened to also have a bad case of social anxiety, so that won't really be able to happen.
The only friends that I have met/ made in college have only been because of a specific circumstance where I was introduced by someone or by special circumstance. I don't think I could have made those fiends if I just decided to walk up and talk to them. Sure I am friends with them now, but I can also see the judging/ lack of engagement mainly because of my appearance as well when we first met.
Sure now I am starting to take steps to change myself up and lose weight, but I am now afraid of how much time I would lose in the process. I lost my first year of college due to covid, and this last semester was racked with depressions and too much coursework. I have to lose a 150 pounds to be within my ideal weight goal, but when I reached it is it too late? What if I would need to spend a year or two doing so to get there? I know that I am most likely overreacting right now, but these have been the negative thoughts and fears, this one is pretty illogical tbh, that have been plaguing my mind. I just don't want to miss out on the experiences and fun that I could have in college because of my weight.
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